An Outpost in Winter: and a Ticket

Its a winter night in Albany, NY.  I've rented a room in a Jewish widow's home.  She's in NYC so I am  alone, knowing no one except at the practicum assignment for the quarter. Unbeknownst to me my department head had exiled me this remote assignment. 6 months later I learned he assigned me in an effort to break me up from my faculty boyfriend.  No matter, that affair had ended without his manipulation.  Humiliated, struggling to be grown up, I sat alone.   In a night of lostness, confusion, and folding laundry; the TV was on and there is Billy Graham.  My first thought is 'how corny'.  The crowds where shown.  The hymns were sung.  Hey! those were familiar from church growing up.  I sat down.  With the sound of thousands settling into their seats a hush of expectation from the thousands gathered there and nothing better to do, I listened. 

He came up to speak, even in 1969, Billy Graham was iconic.  He spoke some words; but like watching shiny bubbles, the words were there and then gone. Pretty!  Pop, pop. Pop.  I was trying to grasp the words, but the more I grabbed, the bar of soap and the bubbles kept shooting away from me.  My mind swirling, not grabbing the meaning.  Inside however, something different was happening.  My inner being began to melt.  The words kept coming like a flow. Feeling welcomed in like going home, I breathed deeply.  I sighed deeply.  Tears welled up, hot and flushing my cheeks.
Drawn in and fascinated, gulping it in,  I keep listening, mesmerized.

This is no corny hick. He was now the handsome man with kindness, wisdom, and caring words saying exact things about my life.  At 20, in a city far from home, knowing no one, my facade of wholesome good looks is as thin as an onion paper. The naive soul unprepared for adult decisions underneath began to emerge. Sheltered but not adored, afraid, glib and sophomoric; I was a 'play acting student' who listened in class but had no coherent framework upon which to hang real world information,  I was 'faking it and hoping to make it'.  That recent shocking breakup had proved to me no one was going to swoop in and take me on.  Bitter reality had started dawning.  The real adult world required a currency to trade with; but I had nothing.  Reality showed me I'm standing here with not a bus ticket of value, but all I want is to go HOME.

Back to the man on the TV.
Everything stops churning while he is talking.  He gives a suggestion, no, a command.  "Come" he says.  "YOU, come", he says.  "They'll wait" he says.  "You watching on TV, bow down and repeat this prayer."   
The inexplicable happened.  I believed he meant me.  Me.  I hadn't totally disappeared.  Suddenly something made sense and God, no Jesus, handed me my own ticket.  It said YOU, I really mean it, yes you.  

The world turned right side up again.  I knew what was right.  Its what I had always known was right.  How had I forgotten that?  I took a deep breath.  I wrote down the address.  I told them in a letter, I had accepted Jesus, when Billy Graham prayed for me.  Watch below.  Billy Graham, the same year I saw him on TV.
To think HE did all that for this no one.  And Billy Graham was willing to do all this, how can I say thanks enough.

https://youtu.be/-BEa_DqbEYE

Vengence is mine. The beauty cream worth millions.

What will it be? Cream or bent forks.

I have my little games of retaliation. As a young girl at home, if I was mad at someone I would retaliate while setting the table.  Positioning the crooked fork carefully by that plate, I would retaliate in a very safe way.  I would smile inwardly at my game.  I was taking revenge.  My silly cloaked methods of revenge were secret and cowardly. Protecting myself from scrutiny, I was the judge and jury.   Perhaps I decided  my victim had been mean to me. Deciding I was powerless to avenge myself in any other way, I gave myself  this acerbic satisfaction.  Affirming myself as wronged, this inner 'frontier-justice'  fooled me into thinking I was powerful over my enemy in some little way. Childhood habits can morph into grown-up attitudes, and mine certainly when unchallenged.  I was the Sheriff of my town!  What I say GOES!

I am a score keeper this way.  Are you?  Do you figure out the score and remember?  Do you justify your system and keep a tiny little book in the back drawer of your mind?  I do.  When the Preacher says something about forgiveness, I say 'Yes, but'.  Do you?

This is the truth.  There is no joy in this practice.  There is only thickening of notebooks and folders with certain names on them.  There is no freedom and only a ball and chain around my heart.  I am weighed down by my little tucked away list.  It festers back there and sours my thoughts.  It hammers down my light hearted-ness. These thoughts make me a victim. 

The enemy wants me to see myself this way.  He wants me to add up insults, to categorize hurts.  'Assign blame' is his big goal.  And I can see it from his point of view, after all he is right in a certain sense.  There has been sin.  There has been un-love and insensitivity, has there not?  Only problem; this method does not remove any bit of the weight, the pain, or the twisting of soul.  Its is a trap.  A very well baited trap of the enemy's way of thinking. 

What to do? What to do? When I feel so aware of the hurt, the pain, the twisting of a knife into the soft underbelly of my vulnerable heart, what other thing can I do?  In the back of my mind a refrain runs over and over, and I remember a phrase that sounds so archaic.  "Vengeance is mine!  I will repay!"

 It might take me a long time to get there, but when I have finally had enough of these futile thoughts I finally get out the jar of salve.  Lettered upon this jar in big letters are these words: "Eye Salve".

Its jar looks ancient, it's ornately carved.  As it sits on the shelve it adds panache to my decor.  Upon opening it, the first sent of it reaches my nose and it is bracing.  Tingly and spicy with a hint of the heady plumeria flower from Hawaii, ahhhh, so beautiful. It smells very expensive, exotic.

I rub it into my eyes and I begin to weep.  This salve acts like a wine or a drug!  I am seeing my self in situations where I have said mean things!  No! NO! I want to think about that other person! They were worse!  But the salve is strong and once it starts working I just have to let it wear off.  I weep and weep and I cry out for the pain to stop.  I cry out for by now I feel my vulnerability.  I am a crumpled heap on the floor, weak as a kitten new born.  I can't stand against hatred or jealousy, I can stand against injustice toward a weaker one.Maybe I am the weaker one.  I see myself and feel my inability, and struggle with that dreaded 'utterly helpless' feeling.

But then I begin to feel such a seeping into my pores of rest and safety.  I feel like I am in a spa of comfort.  I close my eyes and dream.  I dream of a garden of beautiful scent.  I see a high wall and a bench and a lover with strong arms of love and kisses for me.  For these EYES look into mine and now I see those eyes!  The 'Eye Salve' has worked!  I only see these beautiful eyes looking at me, really seeing me and really knowing and really loving me and holding me!  And I know this treatment has worked again!

I do not care about anything outside this garden of delights, anymore.  I want to stay here forever in the love of my lover who knows all and sees all.  He is so strengthening!  His love is better than wine and better than being seen as right.  It's our secret love!  He is totally faithful and totally strong!

I nod to him and repeat: "You know El Roi, my king, my prince! You will not forget ;so that I can!

My skin is smooth, and it glows! My eyes sparkle and shine.  In the market square they say, 'She looks years younger!!  They whisper behind their hands "I heard she has a spa that she goes to, its very expensive!" 

I laugh inside with lightness and a sigh of knowing.  That spa is free to join, but your eyes have to sting first.

I love storage containers

Why is it I love to organize? I have much to organize. There are piles of Christmas decor waiting to be returned to boxes that have been accurately labeled and categorized in a computer file for reference next November.  There are baskets of laundry to be folded and a yes, small, but frustrating pile of white things that are waiting to be ironed.  There is mail! The dreaded and loved mail! With catalogues by the glossy stack, what? Even after Christmas they still come! There are ministry appeals and fund raising letters from all the worthy causes I love.  There are fabulous magazines with wonderful Organization ideas and tips for healthy living and fashion news and worldview updates that are vital for perspective shaping.  There are piles of maps, brochers,  postcards and vacation info that I am putting into my online photo album before my besotted memory allows these glory moments of vacation slip into oblivion. 

Rushing around putting these things in labeled and neat plastic boxes, online albums, the recycle bin or my own besotted mind somehow 'checks the box' and I feel, for a time, organized.  Whew! It feels good!  For about two minutes.  The promise of that fabulous goal of "Organized" is however much more than it, in reality turns out to be. I want the chaos of life to fit into a neat box!  I have found that if I manage to 'get it in there' for a moment, it just doesn't stay there!

Prov 16:1 says "The Plans of the mind and orderly thinking belong to man, but from the LORD comes the wise answer of the tongue.  All the ways of a man are pure in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the spirits (the thoughts, and intents of the heart).                                             

Why do I love to organize?  Because it feels orderly, but it isn't necessarily about wisdom of the LORD.  I know, its good to clean out clutter and streamline my home so my time isn't wasted looking for stuff. But does it accomplish an ordering of the thoughts and intents of the heart?  Does it satisfy the thirstiness of my anxious heart, does it quench the thirsting of my chaotic soul? NO! It is good but it does not satisfy my real need for peace.

So, Dear LORD, let me sit with you, MY BELOVED. Let me quiet my soul, my thoughts. Then I can listen while you show me the intents of my heart. Ah! I see!  My quest for peace through 'organization' is futile!  Quiet down, piles!  I will get to you after I drink deeply of my lover's love for my heart. He pours in peace. Truth about what lasts.  Priorities for my day. After being strengthened in this way, I will go back, not loving MY organization.  But loving my soul's lover. 

Thanks, my Adoni, for drawing me to you with my thirst for peace.  You give it first, not through my business, but through relationship and time with you in my heart. Now I ask, would you show me your type of order? With the stuff that lasts? Help me let go of stuff that I no longer need.  Help me make room for all that you have for me.  Give me discernment between those two.  Ah!!!! No more rushing around to prove my worth, to gain peace.  I walk in that peace today.  Thanks so much my LORD.  

New Year's Resolution a bit Early

Ok, this has been a long time coming.  Even if no one reads it, I am going to start writing something here several times per week.  I have been prompted by my husband dozens of time.  I have prompted by the Holy Spirit, dozens of time.  Its time for just plain obedience.  My usual answer is the same to each of 'them'.  Its: "What would I say????, and Who would care???"  To which both of them say. That is the wrong question.  You have a lot to say. (True-at least I am saying stuff all the time).  And as to who will care.  Not my problem.  I guess.  Its a matter of obedience.  Ok.  So I am doing it.

My story, the one I am going to start to tell, will be unfolding a bit at a time.  You see, I am a Mosaic Woman.  By that I mean, I have a heart that started out shiny and delicate and specially fashioned.  But it did indeed get broken.  It got shattered.  There were times when those jagged pieces were just lying there on the linoleum floor of my childhood bedroom and I could say with HUMPTY, no one can put them together again!!  But that is not true!!! They have been put together again, with SUPER GLUE.  And the edges may not even show anymore!  As someone said to me long ago, "Jesus put them together again with his superglue and now its better-my heart is even better than before, because there is a touch of Jesus on those pieces.  So I am a MOSAIC...WOMAN.  What is to come is the rest of the story.

Forgivenss~a gateway to JOY?

·        What is forgiveness anyway?

 Forgiveness is a choice made by the offended party to give an altruistic gift of undeserved pardon to someone in response to a hurt or debt owed.

Forgiveness acknowledges that a wrong has been done.  The wrong is real and there is hurt, injury, injustice, and even sin in the action of the other. The hurt may have been unintentional, or by a plan.  The forgiver must fully face the depth of the injury, hurt, the debt owed.  The hurt can not be ‘glossed-over’ or not faced. In fact it must not be.   If it is stuffed or glossed over; faux forgiveness may result. The depth of the hurt must be examined before forgiveness can even be offered.

Faux forgiveness is about “moving on”.  But as we all know, if real forgiveness has not taken place, your tummy knows the truth. What is that knot you feel when that person comes into the room?  Faux forgiveness is just not good enough.   Faux forgiveness is about covering up hurt, its about your secret

heart and about just 'surviving' not thriving, its not abundant life.  Faux forgiveness is about appearences, and there is no joy there.

Last time, on this blog, these bullet points were listed.  Starting with this post, each one will be

examined.

·        I can’t forgive because I can’t let go.

·        Forgiveness will mess up my system.

·        I have had it hard.   This is my identity! 

·        I am scared of ‘heights’.  High expectations, that is.

I want to suggest that Real Forgiveness addresses all these concerns.

In this and following posts we will explore what’s going on here and why Biblical Forgiveness is very different and powerful.

·        I can’t forgive because I can’t let go.

Isn’t this exactly the problem?

Watching in one’s mind a continuous video loop of the moment of hurt, the scene of the injury or layered awareness of the levels of  injustice that have occurred in your life can become an all encompassing inner reality.  Replaying the scenario of a string of events that led to the discovery of the betrayal you experienced is understandable when the shock of this unpleasant reality is fresh.  However, it must have some borders around it or forgiveness, real forgiveness becomes impossible. 

It’s the truth, you say; "I am only trying to understand what happened to me, I am trying to take in the magnitude of what has occurred.  Once I finish with this, I will decide when I have had enough of this.  When I have done it enough, I will be able to ‘let it go’.  Until then, I have to hold on."   

Wrong.  This is “Ground Hog Day” (the movie) that does nothing to help the forgiveness process.

While, as was said above, we do have to acknowledge the level of hurt, it is dangerous for our hearts to stay there too long.  Staying too long begins the process of planning revenge. As I replay 'The injustice I suffered' I have to be very careful because it can feed my pride.  For example, thinking “I would NEVER have done such a thing!!  or "I will never do such a thing!!  Or my situation is totally unique, how could it have happened to Me of all people?" , sounds like the sting of the hurt is working on our human pride.  Revenge is the natural result of hurt and just like any sin, anticipating revenge can feel sweet.

Watch Out!!  Revenge leads to bitterness.  Bitterness is a huge pile of inner unforgiveness that not only will destroy you, but as the Bible says, it will damage others.  Make sure you do not go there.

Instead, begin to identify with the one who injured you.  Has there been any time where you did something similar?  Hold that memory in your hand and look at it while you see the ‘video loop’.  Notice your own heart, maybe you didn’t take your sin as far as the one who hurt you, but sin doesn’t become sin by a matter of degrees.  Sin IS sin.  Face your own heart, this is hard to do while you are hurting, but if you humble yourself in this way, you give the LORD a place to bless you.

If that video loop has been capturing your attention, stop.  Stop it now. 

There is no joy on that path.  Watching it will not change the past, it will not teach you how to avoid hurt next time. 

Stopping the tape is the first act that will lead you through the Gateway to Joy. Forgiveness takes the tape and says “I have watched it enough; there is no way out of that loop.  I want to; I NEED to be free of this burden!!    

At this moment you must take that ‘DVD’ out and hand it over to Jesus and ask Him to hold it for you.  Don’t hold it yourself.  Picture yourself handing it to HIM.

But how can I do that?

things to remember:

• Life is hard here on earth and we are vulnerable sensitive beings asked by GOD to live here for a purpose. His purpose.  He has plans for you, and he has ways of helping you process life on earth.  He is sovereign over you.  Each and every thing that happens to you has the potential to move you  along, toward the purpose He has for you.  You and your choices of heart attitude really are significant. 

That Godly purpose is sometimes worked out when the trials of hurt and injustice come to you even though this may not make sense to you.  This way of thinking does not come to us 'naturally'. So the first big choice you have is to decide to look at life here on earth the way HE, GOD, looks at it.  Something greater, with a higher goal and purpose is going on here that may be easily seen. 

 

Have you ever wanted to set up a 'begining human life on earth kit ' that would include a “You won’t be unfairly treated or hurt Certificate"  to be issued to each  newborn?  Sounds loving, doesn't it?  God has not set up  ‘things’ here on earth that way. But the Bible says God IS LOVE.  Hummmm.

• There is another script operating and it is God’s script that is behind what has occurred.  He gives us life, he allows our life to start in a place, and in circumstances over which we have no choice.  But after that, we have FREE WILL.  Once we realize this and choose HIS truth and HIS way to govern our life, we have a begining point for understanding the script that is behind what has happened to us.

• HE is the GOD who SEES.  His name is El Roi.  He is the Omnipresent God who is there with you in your pain, and HIS eyes are not shut.

Want to know more about this God? Look at Genesis 16.  His heart was right with that deseperate female.  Look at the hurt, pain or injustice that you have experienced with His help.  Look and don't stuff your feelings. Turn to Him and embrace HIM.  See Psalm 139:7-12.  His ways are beyond us as to why things happen.  Leave that with HIM.  Face the truth while you hold onto His hand and see His eyes on you. 

Psalm 9: 9&10 Amplified Bible

The Lord also will be a refuge and a high tower for the oppressed, a refuge and a stronghold in times of trouble (high cost, destitution and desperation). And they who know Your name [who have experience and acquaintance with Your mercy] will lean on and confidently put their trust in You, for You, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek (inquire of and for) You [on the authority of God's Word and the right of their necessity].

Just remember, all this takes place in a PROCESS.  God is so patient, He loves you and leads you.  He is so aware of your real hurt, your real needs.  Be patient with yourself, but please stay in or start the process.  Stuffing, or faux forgiveness leads to bitterness. 

God bless you.

Next time:   ·        Forgiveness will mess up my system.

Forgiveness -Invitation to Joy? Part ONE of a Two part post.

Forgiveness as an invitation to Joy!  A Two Part Post.

What?   You say; it’s a JOY to forgive? 

How can it be?  Forgiveness is hard!

What is forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness is altruistic gift that is granted to someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve it.  Christians know that they are to be forgiving.  We Christians have heard the ‘Sermon on the Mount’.  Outwardly most Christians give assent to this value; we all give ‘lip service’ to it.  Unfortunately, there is lots of ‘false forgiveness’ that we kid ourselves into thinking that its good enough forgiveness.  We want ‘forgiveness’ on our own terms.

Today this post is about stuff I think that leads to either faux forgiveness or no forgiveness at all. When my brand of this faux forgiveness doesn’t set me free like I thought, I conclude: ‘See,  I forgave, but  it didn’t WORK.’  Ergo: the command from scriptures to forgive is just one more thing that is too hard and ineffective about Christianity.  Fine if it works for you, it doesn’t really WORK for me.

I really like calling things what they are.  If I don’t examine my own heart, I can fall into the trap of thinking I am good to go as a Christian, but actually I am not.  My life is confusing and torn; inside I have bitterness and no peace.  I fall into religious patterns like saying the right stuff.  But really I am trapped inside, because I want to be hanging on to my own favorite stuff.

So we are going to look at stuff here that are ways we think that sets up either  not forgiving OR false forgiveness.  Perhaps it’s just my black heart talking, but read it and check to see if you can relate to any of these.

I can’t forgive because I can’t let go.

I couldn’t let go of my sense of reality.  ‘My hurt’ constantly appeals to me like a little sad faced beggar child I have seen on a “Compassion International’ add.  She says, ‘you’re not going to forget me are you???’  If I forgive, maybe I will have to be disloyal to her inside, I wonder.  I then think: “After all is said and done, who do I have to depend upon BUT my SELF.  If I forgive, it’s going to feel like I have totally left SELF down; letting myself disappear”.  “No!”, my inner thoughts would say, “You have to keep rehearsing that scene, remind yourself how outrageous it was that That happened.  Vigilance to defend self is what is necessary; if I don’t defend self, then ‘Who’ Will? Certainly not my tormentor; certainly not my family or false friends; they haven’t helped me yet.  No, I must keep reality in the back of my mind.”  I know Jesus said I must forgive, I want to have His favor, but he can’t mean in this situation, can HE? 

Forgiveness will mess up my system.

This one happens to people who have been around religious systems, they know the lingo, they know the players.  Its like a ‘team roster card’ that plays out  in my mind.  Listing good guys and the ‘bad’ guys of the other team, and they have to stay in their assigned place.  I know who can be trusted and not trusted. If I have a doubt about someone, then they automatically go in the bad team list.  Proving untrustworthy was one way to get on my bad list, but sometimes I felt it was nothing I could explain.  This system works for me because life has showed me it’s a “Big Scary World’ out there in the real world.  I will be fine if I can figure out where everyone fits. Once I realized how wrong and hurt happen, I learned what to look for.  I think in ‘Types’, and I can spot those types a mile off.  My radar is pretty good, I have been right before.  What is necessary is that I watch or observe people from a distance.  I don’t really want to know if I am actually right in my assessment, because I most of all want to feel safe.  Threat could come from anywhere, better to be watchful, guarded.  When in doubt, don’t trust.  Types can’t change.  Types in the end just prove that maybe I can sort of trust Jesus, but certainly not everyone.

I have had it hard.   This is my identity! 

To forgive feels very disloyal to all I have suffered.  What do I DO with it all?  I have invested in setting up my parameters by which I conduct my life, on the inside of my heart.  Its way too risky to let those down, in fact I am now feeling safer than ever!  Yeah, sometimes I am lonely, but I don’t mind all that much.  I like my animals, I love nature, I love being different, a little bit.  Every once in a while, I feel the hurt, but  I am actually familiar with this place.  When people try to ask about this self imposed isolation, I just tell part of my story.  Once I do that, people don’t press me too much, and   I won’t be required to do too much because people ‘understand’ and are nice to me.  I am one of the walking wounded, but at least I am not totally alone.   My identity is not really strong, but this story feels safe to share.  I lead with it.  No one will know that I really don’t know who I would be without it.  

 I am scared of ‘heights’.  High expectations, that is.

 I feel in control and now no one can get too close.  I can be nice, I can be fun, and I won’t miss out on much.  Certainly what I do miss is just too close anyway.  I can do fine on my own.  So what if I never have anything closer in the way of a heart relationship than I have right now?  Lots of people have loved and it hasn’t worked out for them.  There are tons of broken families, bad relationships, abandonment, and so if I stay with my life this way, I am just better off.  What I have now is as good as it gets.   Men can’t ever be trusted.  Parents are not forever.  Fairy Tales have a prince charming, but real life doesn’t.  Maybe ‘things’ used to be that way, but life can’t be like that anymore.  Not sure exactly why it can’t be, maybe it would be boring anyway.  The way we live now, after all it’s a whole new century; no one really expects things like relationships to last.  Yeah, when they end, it sucks, but everyone has a story about that.  Actually it’s like getting a tattoo; its hurts, but then there is a story to tell.  If you have a job, some fun on the weekends, a place to go with some family at the holidays, well, that covers the bases and it works.  Oh Yeah! And I go to church, and that feels good.  I feel warm and loved.  I drink it in while I am there.  The feelings of that hold me for a while.  I can always go back and get more, if other stuff doesn’t work out well.  I will get by and it will work out.  No worries.

 

What about you

Do you have other reasons why you don’t forgive?  Do any of the ones listed seem familiar to your outlook on life?   Maybe you have never thought about the ‘Why’ to your unforgiveness.  Maybe there is no one in your life that you need to forgive.  Do you wonder if Unforgiveness is just normal; like ‘we can’t get along with everyone, can we?’   Unforgiveness might be the real reason that “self protection” is so common in our society today; it seems necessary and perfectly normal.  If most people think a certain way, its average, and average is normal.  What about you?  Do you live in self protection?  Is ‘normal’ good enough for your life and relationships?

I want to suggest that Real Forgiveness addresses all these concerns.

In this and following posts we will explore what’s going on here and why Biblical Forgiveness is very different and powerful.

When forgiveness is a ‘process’.~ ARE YOU in the PROCESS of Forgiving?

Matt 18:21

After growing up in a critical and fault finding family, at age 27 I learned of Jesus’ love.

I had so much to learn, even though I had attended church all my life!  Knowing about Jesus’ love is definitely very different than KNOWING Jesus’ Love!!

 One of the passages I always stumbled over was when Jesus took the young child into his circle and began to tell the close friends of Jesus something about the kingdom of heaven.  He told them simply, ‘unless you are converted and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven’

I sometimes look at photos of myself as a child.  There are a lot of them because I was a half of a pair of twins; a phenomena that elicited photos.  Do you remember yourself as a child?  I don’t, but seeing my face in those photos I can tell that at around 8 years of age, I was already not showing the real me to the camera.  This is why I wondered what that child standing in front of JESUS was really like.  What did Jesus want us to see here?

Help in understanding came to me once I could observe my own children at ages 4 or 5. Their faces were open, tender free and safe, all the time!  And no wonder because we didn’t criticize them, nor berate them; in fact we showered upon them the hugs and affection neither of us parents had experienced as children.  And we had lots of fun together.  Try as I might, I found myself sometimes snapping at them.  Thank God, the Holy Spirit would immediately convict me and I would quickly apologize to them and take the blame.  No matter how young they were at the time, I felt they deserved a quick humble response from me their baby Christian mom.  What happened next always astonished me.  Immediately, my son would turn his sweet face up to mine, usually hugging me at the same time and say, “Its ok, Mommy!  I forgive you!” 

The forgiveness of a child is complete, sweet and without revenge.  What a picture of the kingdom of God.  Love and closeness was immediately restored.  It touched my heart so deeply.  Would I ever be able to forgive like that?

You see, my children hadn’t learned how to protect themselves from hurt.  They had no reason to protect themselves because they had no reason to fear being truly hurt.  They knew trust because we were trustworthy as parents.  Their little hearts were open and loving, responding to nurture and care that was constant in their lives.  As a result they found forgiveness easy.

Don’t you wish that all children had this type of safe home situation?  But it’s not guaranteed to children by this world, is it?   If your own childhood was difficult,  know that was not approved of by God.  His eye is upon you, to help you even now.

If there has been long years of subtle hurt in your life, if your parent never could admit wrongdoing, or ask for forgiveness, then the injustice experienced  could become a stumbling block to easy forgiveness in your life. 

What do we do when this is our beginning point?  For many, the hurt goes deep and there are many layers of offences.  Feelings of betrayal and injustice may share space in one’s mind with feelings of love and loyalty.  Family relationships are complex so to sort  feelings to a path of forgiveness and freedom sometimes starts with a daunting sense of confusion. ‘What is real?’ Or we wonder, ‘Am I making this up, this sense of injury?’  How can I accuse the ones closest to me?  Shouldn’t I just stuff it down and forget my questions?   But if returning home causes a twist in the gut, or catch in the throat, safety might be lacking there, and usually your body is telling a truth.

How can forgiveness even begin?  If nothing has changed in that situation, there will be no apology, there will be no heart broken face on your tormentor to reward your act of forgiveness.  If this is the case, forgiveness is still possible.  In fact, finding it will bless you even more than it will bless your offender. 

Remember Peter was troubled by these things also because he asked Jesus, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?”  Matt 18:21.  In Jesus’ famous answer that Peter should forgive seventy times seven or 490 times for the same sin, HE was saying, keep forgiving, Peter. 

Forgiveness is hard for us humans to do, in fact, alone without HIS help; I believe it is not possible.  Jesus is telling Peter, keep at it!  Find some way to start the process of forgiveness.  We are not ‘off the hook’ when a ‘brother’ keeps sinning and doesn’t appear to change at all.  We are not ‘off the hook’ when horrible injury has been experienced.  Jesus on the Cross is our example there, and later Stephen, the first Christian Martyr, said the same words Jesus did and forgave those who literally killed him.   How did they do that?  It was only because of divine help. 

Don’t be discouraged if you can’t even wrap your mind around that level of forgiveness today.  Instead, remember how much Jesus loved that little child he brought into His circle of friends.  Start by being that child.  Jesus’ attitude toward one who would hurt such a one was clear in Matt 18:6&7.  He said it would be better for him to be drowned in the sea than to experience what God’s judgment will be on them.   He says, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay”.  Know that God sees everything, he will make it right.  But in the mean time, begin by releasing one layer of the hurt to the LORD and choosing to forgive. 

I started out my process by realizing that I actually had been hurt.  Rather than believe all my pain was caused by my own actions, the LORD began to show me the broader picture.  While I acted in a childish and humanly selfish way, I was also experiencing life that was non-nurturing.  The safety a child needs was not  available in my family.  I adapted by using what few weapons my personality gave me as defenses against those threats.  The defenses ‘worked’ and protected me, somewhat.  But, before I could truly heal to become the person God wanted for me to be, I had to understand this environment, face its realities by seeing what was true there.  Little by little the layers pealed away and just like when a scab comes off, I found the fresh new tender me was formed underneath that ugly scab.

Tell us about your process.  Where are you in the process of forgiveness?  Your story is not only important, but will be encouraging to others who may need courage to start walking through their own process toward forgiveness!  God Bless you.