Forgiveness -Invitation to Joy? Part ONE of a Two part post.

Forgiveness as an invitation to Joy!  A Two Part Post.

What?   You say; it’s a JOY to forgive? 

How can it be?  Forgiveness is hard!

What is forgiveness anyway?

Forgiveness is altruistic gift that is granted to someone who hasn’t done anything to deserve it.  Christians know that they are to be forgiving.  We Christians have heard the ‘Sermon on the Mount’.  Outwardly most Christians give assent to this value; we all give ‘lip service’ to it.  Unfortunately, there is lots of ‘false forgiveness’ that we kid ourselves into thinking that its good enough forgiveness.  We want ‘forgiveness’ on our own terms.

Today this post is about stuff I think that leads to either faux forgiveness or no forgiveness at all. When my brand of this faux forgiveness doesn’t set me free like I thought, I conclude: ‘See,  I forgave, but  it didn’t WORK.’  Ergo: the command from scriptures to forgive is just one more thing that is too hard and ineffective about Christianity.  Fine if it works for you, it doesn’t really WORK for me.

I really like calling things what they are.  If I don’t examine my own heart, I can fall into the trap of thinking I am good to go as a Christian, but actually I am not.  My life is confusing and torn; inside I have bitterness and no peace.  I fall into religious patterns like saying the right stuff.  But really I am trapped inside, because I want to be hanging on to my own favorite stuff.

So we are going to look at stuff here that are ways we think that sets up either  not forgiving OR false forgiveness.  Perhaps it’s just my black heart talking, but read it and check to see if you can relate to any of these.

I can’t forgive because I can’t let go.

I couldn’t let go of my sense of reality.  ‘My hurt’ constantly appeals to me like a little sad faced beggar child I have seen on a “Compassion International’ add.  She says, ‘you’re not going to forget me are you???’  If I forgive, maybe I will have to be disloyal to her inside, I wonder.  I then think: “After all is said and done, who do I have to depend upon BUT my SELF.  If I forgive, it’s going to feel like I have totally left SELF down; letting myself disappear”.  “No!”, my inner thoughts would say, “You have to keep rehearsing that scene, remind yourself how outrageous it was that That happened.  Vigilance to defend self is what is necessary; if I don’t defend self, then ‘Who’ Will? Certainly not my tormentor; certainly not my family or false friends; they haven’t helped me yet.  No, I must keep reality in the back of my mind.”  I know Jesus said I must forgive, I want to have His favor, but he can’t mean in this situation, can HE? 

Forgiveness will mess up my system.

This one happens to people who have been around religious systems, they know the lingo, they know the players.  Its like a ‘team roster card’ that plays out  in my mind.  Listing good guys and the ‘bad’ guys of the other team, and they have to stay in their assigned place.  I know who can be trusted and not trusted. If I have a doubt about someone, then they automatically go in the bad team list.  Proving untrustworthy was one way to get on my bad list, but sometimes I felt it was nothing I could explain.  This system works for me because life has showed me it’s a “Big Scary World’ out there in the real world.  I will be fine if I can figure out where everyone fits. Once I realized how wrong and hurt happen, I learned what to look for.  I think in ‘Types’, and I can spot those types a mile off.  My radar is pretty good, I have been right before.  What is necessary is that I watch or observe people from a distance.  I don’t really want to know if I am actually right in my assessment, because I most of all want to feel safe.  Threat could come from anywhere, better to be watchful, guarded.  When in doubt, don’t trust.  Types can’t change.  Types in the end just prove that maybe I can sort of trust Jesus, but certainly not everyone.

I have had it hard.   This is my identity! 

To forgive feels very disloyal to all I have suffered.  What do I DO with it all?  I have invested in setting up my parameters by which I conduct my life, on the inside of my heart.  Its way too risky to let those down, in fact I am now feeling safer than ever!  Yeah, sometimes I am lonely, but I don’t mind all that much.  I like my animals, I love nature, I love being different, a little bit.  Every once in a while, I feel the hurt, but  I am actually familiar with this place.  When people try to ask about this self imposed isolation, I just tell part of my story.  Once I do that, people don’t press me too much, and   I won’t be required to do too much because people ‘understand’ and are nice to me.  I am one of the walking wounded, but at least I am not totally alone.   My identity is not really strong, but this story feels safe to share.  I lead with it.  No one will know that I really don’t know who I would be without it.  

 I am scared of ‘heights’.  High expectations, that is.

 I feel in control and now no one can get too close.  I can be nice, I can be fun, and I won’t miss out on much.  Certainly what I do miss is just too close anyway.  I can do fine on my own.  So what if I never have anything closer in the way of a heart relationship than I have right now?  Lots of people have loved and it hasn’t worked out for them.  There are tons of broken families, bad relationships, abandonment, and so if I stay with my life this way, I am just better off.  What I have now is as good as it gets.   Men can’t ever be trusted.  Parents are not forever.  Fairy Tales have a prince charming, but real life doesn’t.  Maybe ‘things’ used to be that way, but life can’t be like that anymore.  Not sure exactly why it can’t be, maybe it would be boring anyway.  The way we live now, after all it’s a whole new century; no one really expects things like relationships to last.  Yeah, when they end, it sucks, but everyone has a story about that.  Actually it’s like getting a tattoo; its hurts, but then there is a story to tell.  If you have a job, some fun on the weekends, a place to go with some family at the holidays, well, that covers the bases and it works.  Oh Yeah! And I go to church, and that feels good.  I feel warm and loved.  I drink it in while I am there.  The feelings of that hold me for a while.  I can always go back and get more, if other stuff doesn’t work out well.  I will get by and it will work out.  No worries.

 

What about you

Do you have other reasons why you don’t forgive?  Do any of the ones listed seem familiar to your outlook on life?   Maybe you have never thought about the ‘Why’ to your unforgiveness.  Maybe there is no one in your life that you need to forgive.  Do you wonder if Unforgiveness is just normal; like ‘we can’t get along with everyone, can we?’   Unforgiveness might be the real reason that “self protection” is so common in our society today; it seems necessary and perfectly normal.  If most people think a certain way, its average, and average is normal.  What about you?  Do you live in self protection?  Is ‘normal’ good enough for your life and relationships?

I want to suggest that Real Forgiveness addresses all these concerns.

In this and following posts we will explore what’s going on here and why Biblical Forgiveness is very different and powerful.